{"id":4402,"date":"2019-10-28T10:21:48","date_gmt":"2019-10-28T16:21:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shaneco.com\/theloupe\/?p=4402"},"modified":"2024-09-11T11:04:05","modified_gmt":"2024-09-11T17:04:05","slug":"why-get-married-at-all-advice-from-a-couples-therapist","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shaneco.com\/theloupe\/jewelry-education\/why-get-married-at-all-advice-from-a-couples-therapist\/","title":{"rendered":"Why Get Married at All? Advice from a Couples Therapist"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Still wondering if you\u2019ve really found \u201cthe one?\u201d Been curious about trying couples therapy but were too nervous to start? Questioned how to let your partner know that you\u2019re ready for the next step in your relationship (engagement rings<\/a>)? Well, the answers to these questions and more may surprise you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We had the chance to interview Zach Brittle<\/a>, a Gottman<\/a>-certified therapist and author of Amazon\u2019s best-selling The Relationship Alphabet: A Practical Guide to Better Connection for Couples<\/em><\/a>. Zach has been counseling couples for over 12 years, using the Gottman approach of evidence-based couples therapy based on 40 years of marital research. He\u2019s also the founder of forBetter<\/a>, which offers online courses for couples, and the founder and cohost of Marriage Therapy Radio<\/a>. We used our time with Zach to pick his brain about what makes a successful marriage possible, what to look for in potential partners, and how to know for sure that you\u2019re ready to get engaged<\/a> (hint: it\u2019s complicated).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What are the most important questions couples can ask themselves before deciding to get engaged?<\/em><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

ZB:<\/strong> There are three main questions. Number one is, why get married at all? What\u2019s your reason for getting married? Some people get married for a green card, for health insurance, for their parents\u2019 approval, for love. The reason is not always clear right away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Number two: Why this person? What are they that other people\naren\u2019t? What do I feel uniquely with them that I haven\u2019t felt in other\nrelationships? I usually recommend they write down 100-250-word concrete\nanswers. Not just, \u201cI love them\u201d or, \u201cThey\u2019re the one.\u201d You need clarity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Finally: Why marry this person? This one is less important\nthan the others, but it kind of works in tandem. You can spend your whole life\nwith somebody and not get married. So what is it that you want out of marriage\nwith this person?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One of the things that Gottman discovered was that all\ncouples have issues, and, actually, about 2\/3 of a couple\u2019s issues are\npermanent. They\u2019re baked into the relationship \u2014 because she\u2019s an introvert and\nhe\u2019s an extrovert, he\u2019s messy and she\u2019s neat, they speak different native\nlanguages, etc. I think it\u2019s important for couples to know that many problems may\nlast forever and that they begin to do some inventory on identifying those things.\nWhat is it that we know will never go away? It\u2019s going to affect their marriage\nforever. Some of those things are deal breakers \u2014 and if they are, it might be\nbetter off that they don\u2019t get married. If he wants to live by the ocean and\nshe wants to live by the mountains, or if one wants kids and the other doesn\u2019t,\nthose can end up destroying the marriage. So these are things that couples need\nto talk about beforehand. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Are there any\npredictors for a healthy marriage (i.e., what qualities should we look for in\nrelationships to ensure a healthy marriage)?<\/em><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

ZB: <\/strong>The most popular predictors that we talk about at the Gottman Institute are the predictors of divorce. We call them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. They don\u2019t tend to show up real clearly early on, but you can tell. You can note when those things are inherent in your partner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What\u2019s really, really critical is that couples have a\ncapacity for repair. All couples are going to have conflict, and conflict\ndoesn\u2019t stress me out. If they argue, fine, but if they can\u2019t repair, that\u2019s a\nred flag. Couples focusing on learning how to extend and acknowledge and\nreceive repair attempts is a signifier of intelligence that they can sustain a\nrelationship. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

What\u2019s your favorite piece of advice to give to couples who are thinking about getting engaged?<\/em><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

ZB:<\/strong> Have some vision for the marriage, not just the wedding. In my context, couples want premarital therapy, and I don\u2019t really offer that \u2014 I call it \u201ctransition to marriage\u201d therapy. You can have therapy before marriage, but you ought to commit to some therapy afterwards, too. Slow and steady wins the race, and most of the work you do to get ready for marriage is going to be in the actual marriage, not planning the wedding or honeymoon. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Evidently, the \u201choneymoon phase\u201d isn\u2019t just a saying. Limerence\nphase \u2014 that\u2019s the technical word for it. It lasts about two years and is\nfueled by adrenaline and novelty and newness \u2026 and it always ends. There has to\nbe an awareness that what\u2019s fueling your romance is more than just the newness\nor the fun. I think it\u2019s really different now, too. It used to be you sort of\nslowly meet people and then you fall for them, then build your friendship and\nthen eventually you have sex and so forth. These days it feels like people are\nputting that in reverse order. But there has to be a sort of sobriety about\nmarriage. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In addition, this idea that 50% of marriages end in divorce\nis actually not correct \u2014 it\u2019s really quite a bit lower. But most marriages\nthat end in divorce end in the first seven years. Therefore, the first seven\nyears are the years that require the most doggedness about the fact that your\nlife has changed. A lot of people need to understand that, yes, it\u2019s\nchallenging, but it\u2019s so<\/em> rewarding\nafter you get over that hill.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What\u2019s the best way to bring up getting engaged to your significant other?<\/em><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

ZB:<\/strong> If you\u2019re not sure that you and your partner are entering a part of your relationship where you\u2019re thinking about marriage, then it\u2019s probably not time to bring it up. Unless it\u2019s just saying, like, \u201cHey, I have some ideas and I was wondering how you feel about this for the future.\u201d The best advice I can give is to say that it\u2019s not one 60-minute conversation, it\u2019s more like 60 one-minute conversations where you\u2019re kind of checking in. If there\u2019s any kind of hint where one partner really wants to get married and the other isn\u2019t sure, I would say don\u2019t do it. However, if they say they aren\u2019t sure about marriage at all, then it also gives you the chance to re-evaluate and think, \u201cOkay, is this the right relationship for me?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Have you noticed any new\ntrends in marriage over the past few years (i.e. couples getting married later\nin life, couples getting married after having kids, etc.)?<\/em><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

ZB:<\/strong> It\u2019s kind of hard to measure trends because my practice is so diverse. But I would say I suppose couples are getting married later in life \u2026 now, they\u2019re more likely to live together for a while before getting married. I think that maybe people are delaying it \u2014 it\u2019s more about choice. People used to get married to show that they are an adult. They had a list of what it means to grow up: get married, have kids, etc., and were sort of checking things off that list. Now, you get married because<\/em> you\u2019re an adult. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

What\u2019s the goal of couples therapy? <\/em><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

ZB: <\/strong>My<\/em> goal is to find out what their<\/em> goal is. Sometimes people just want some tools, and I can go, \u201cHey, that\u2019s great.\u201d But what are you building? What tools do you already have? Which ones are broken? For me, one huge goal is to make sure the couple is not therapy-dependent. I don\u2019t want them to waste their time with me. Couples therapy doesn\u2019t work \u2014 couples work. If they\u2019re interested in transitioning their relationship, I want to work with them to figure out what their goals are and how I can help them reach them. Sometimes they want to have more sex, sometimes they want to make sure they\u2019re not ignoring red flags, sometimes they want to learn how to deal with conflict better. It really depends on the couple\u2019s agenda, and they might not even be aware of what they want when they come into therapy. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Is there a certain amount of time you recommend a couple date or live together before getting engaged?<\/em><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

ZB:<\/strong> It really depends on the couple. You have to consider that there are couples that are in arranged marriages who have never met and they still find a way to make a successful relationship, and there are also couples that live together for a long time and never get along. I don\u2019t think there\u2019s a standard timeline for everyone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s all about their answers to those vital questions we\ntalked about. For example, in an arranged marriage, the answers might be pretty\nstraightforward. Why get married? Because marriage is a cultural covenant, it\u2019s\na way of protecting our religious community. Why this person? Because I trust\nmy community to set me up in a way that will help me and my family be active\nmembers of the culture and fulfill a purpose. So they would use those answers\nto leverage their relationship, to make it work for both of them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Really, there needs to be more of a \u201cwhy\u201d than a \u201chow\u201d or \u201chow\nlong.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How important is it to discuss finances before getting engaged?<\/em><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

ZB: <\/strong>Pretty important. The hard thing about money in a relationship is that it\u2019s measurable. So, if I make 100k and you make 70k, do I have 30k more value than you? What does it mean in terms of who\u2019s staying home, how much spending money you\u2019ll have, etc. Couples need to be clear about their attitudes toward money. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s one of those places where you get to say, \u201cThis is mine\nand this is hers or his.\u201d Any time you have an \u201cI\u201d instead of a \u201cwe,\u201d it\ncreates an opportunity for struggle. What are we going to do about the math?\nAnd how do you make meaning, how do you make sense<\/em> of money? You don\u2019t want to get on the other side of the altar\nand have him say, \u201cYou make this much and I make that much so I get this much\nspending money and you get that much,\u201d if that\u2019s not how you actually want\nthings to work throughout your marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How did you know you\nwere ready to get engaged to your current wife?<\/em><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

ZB:<\/strong> I don\u2019t think anyone\u2019s ever asked me that question. I\u2019ve been married for 23 years, so I was 23 when I got engaged. I was probably in the category of people who thought that this was the next thing I was \u201csupposed\u201d to do, that this was how I was going to become an adult. In hindsight, I don\u2019t know if I was ready. I dated a bit, but I was fresh out of college and we got engaged after a year and a half. I guess I just kind of knew. We were talking about it a lot and it was something we did together, not just like, \u201cSurprise!\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I always say I\u2019ve been happily married 22 out of 23 years.\nAround the eighth year, we almost broke. I would say I\u2019ve been married to my\nwife twice. The first seven years were fueled by fun and newness, and the last\nbit has really been about knowing what it is to be on the brink and come back\nfrom the brink. The quality of the choice changed. At first you say \u201cI do\u201d to\nlove them for richer or for poorer, through sickness and in health, but you\nreally have no idea what you\u2019re saying because you haven\u2019t experienced any of\nthat yet. After you have, and you can still say \u201cI do,\u201d the bond is stronger. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In therapy, couples get to talk about those powerful vow\nwords, like \u201cricher and poorer,\u201d and try to figure out what it really means. To\nbe truly successful in marriage, you have to experience it for yourself and\ncome out the other side together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How have you (and your wife) benefited from getting married?<\/em><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

ZB:<\/strong> We definitely get to operate in a certain kind of way. For one thing, we\u2019ve created children, which has been a benefit to us and our community. We\u2019ve benefited from experiencing the culture of marriage, whether it\u2019s through church or friends or family. And there\u2019s a comfort in knowing that you get to share your life with somebody. Ideally, somebody is there to walk with you through life, which can be a beautiful thing.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Still wondering if you\u2019ve really found \u201cthe one?\u201d Been curious about trying couples therapy but were too nervous…\n","protected":false},"author":76,"featured_media":4407,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"rop_custom_images_group":[],"rop_custom_messages_group":[],"rop_publish_now":"initial","rop_publish_now_accounts":{"facebook_10104259587489742_110062855004561":""},"rop_publish_now_history":[],"rop_publish_now_status":"pending","_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[45,3,53],"tags":[4629,5057],"coauthors":[5376],"class_list":{"0":"post-4402","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-art-of-engagement","8":"category-jewelry-education","9":"category-love-relationships","10":"tag-advice","11":"tag-couples-therapy"},"yoast_head":"\nWhy Get Married at All? Advice from a Couples Therapist<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"We spoke with a certified Gottman couples therapist to find out what helps make a marriage work, and how to choose the perfect partner.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.shaneco.com\/theloupe\/jewelry-education\/why-get-married-at-all-advice-from-a-couples-therapist\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Why Get Married at All? 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